Funny Article by Someone Frightened of Being in Open Water

Colin Stokes gives a hilarious account of why people should not be in the ocean. The bottom line? Why risk it when you could just go watch fish in a aquarium.. while on dry land!

from the article:

Non-Shark Fish

Fish swim in ways that will make you anxious. If they are swimming toward you, they must logically be swimming away from something that you should swim away from, like a shark. If they are swimming with you, they are probably escaping from a shark that is pursuing you. And the fish are much faster swimmers than you. They are also visibly defecating in the water near your face, possibly out of spite.

Coral

This is the thing that you are meant to swim near, but which is apparently lethal if you touch it.

Read the entire article from The New Yorker Magazine